"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
"Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men."
"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
"It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."
---Jerome K. Jerome
"The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about."
"Bad luck is bending over to pick up a four-leaf clover and being infected by poison ivy."
"After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why the doctors wear masks in the operating room."
"Remember the good old days when a juvenile delinquent was a boy who played the saxophone too loud?"
"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
---A. Whitney Brown
"Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers."
"Men should be like Kleenex...soft, strong, and disposable."
---Mrs. White, Clue
"Okay, so God made man first, but doesn't everyone make a rough draft before they make a masterpiece?"
"Tolerance is a great trait to contain, but so is the ability to shut up."
"English is a funny language--that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway."
"One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average."
"Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil--and you'll never get a job working for a tabloid."
"Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big."
"Those who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do."
"Successful people are very lucky. Just ask any failure."
"A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large."
---Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby
"You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something."
---H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does."
"We all basically go back to being children in the dentist's chair."
"Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut."
---Robert Newton Peck
"School is like a lollipop. It sucks until it is gone."
"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."
"Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth."
"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."
"Every man is a fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit."
"Children are the most expensive form of entertainment."
"Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush."
"A word to the wise isn't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
"A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase."
"The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise."
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left."
"Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other."
---Laurence J. Peter
"Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest."
---Karen Savage and Patricia Adams
"Forgive your enemies--if you can't get back at them any other way."
---Franklin P. Jones
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it."
"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water."
---Franklin P. Jones
"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
"A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely."
"I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner."