"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go."
"Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare."
"I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'"
"You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution."
"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."
"The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided."
"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going."
"A kindergarten teacher is someone who loves children and hates zippers."
"Better to be forgotten than sued."
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
"Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them."
"It's better to leave while staying is welcomes than to stay while leaving is welcomed."
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
"Isn't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?"
"Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers."
"The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent."
"One time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a parking ticket."
"The young always have the same problem--how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this problem by defying their parents and copying one another."
"When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason."
"You know you're in love when you take the longer way to class even if it means going up two extra stair cases just to see his face."
"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."
"He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke."
"Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done."
"A thoughtful kid is one who leaves enough gas in the tank for you to get to the filling station."
"In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction."
"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
"Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it."
"If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."
"Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?"
"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be."
"A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist."
"Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked."
"Shipwrecked man to another: 'Don't worry--we'll be found. My pledge to the church is due this week.'"
"Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier."
"I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee."
"Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're able to persecute."
"He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom."
---The Better Half cartoon by Randy Glasbergen
"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"
"Guys who have big muscles and a nice car are usually trying to make up for a lost feature."
"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like 'What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up.'"
"Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11:30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter."
---James T. Adams
"You can't say civilization isn't advancing: in every war, they kill you in a new way."